Why Does It Always Rain On Me??
by Sasha M. Artzen
Summary: Krycek discusses fan fic. Boy's He's pissed.


Title: Krycek's Lament or Why Does it Always Rain On Me 

Date: 

Summary: Our hero writes a letter on fan fic and slash and boy he's pissed. 

Spoilers: Pretty much every episode of the X-Files 

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Alex Krycek and the X-Files crew. They belong to Mr. Carter. I AM NOT Alex Krycek/Nicholas Lea (except when I Role Play). I DO NOT claim to be. This is not authorized by 1013 or Mr. Lea. If you could not tell, Mr. Lea did not write this. I am not making money off of this. Views expressed are not the views of Nicolas Lea, Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, 20th Century Fox, or of any human being living for that matter. 

Writer's Notes: This work was inspired by fan fic/slash. Have you ever noticed that Krycek is the most abused of all of the characters? He's been, beaten, raped, seduced and forgotten or killed more than any of other character. This is my response to those. 

Thank You goes to…. 

Don: For the links and everything else ;) 

Dana: who laughs at me (MOO MOO COW!!)? 

Handy Andy: For the Subliminal Messages 

Rod Serling: A God in my mind 

Music for your listening pleasure: Some that's Nifty! 

"I have the sneaking suspicion that things here are not as they seem." 

~ Dave Matthews 

10/22/01 

To Whom It may Concern, 

I have a lot free time these days with being retired and dead and what not. I find myself these days sitting around the house watching daytime TV or surfing the Net. It was one of these occasions that I did a search on my name. I was proud and flattered that I found a large number of hits that came up with my name. I then clicked on one of the links for a web page. This pleased me even more. I found a site that had stories, or Fan Fiction, about various members of the FBI, the Syndicate, and so on and myself. I found that some were well written; some could use some work, and some stories needed to be destroyed. I notice that these stories can be broken down in a multitude of stories and there was one that seems be that bothered me was a type of fan fic called slash. Slash seems to be a gross exaggeration of my person. 

For the record, I am happily married to a very beautiful woman. I love her very dearly and DO NOT has the desire to cheat on my wife with either Marita or Dana Scully. This is nothing against Marita or Scully; they are both very beautiful women in their own right. (There was a time that would consider having an affair with Ms. Scully.) I have no romantic feelings for Dana Scully. I can be sure that Ms. Scully feels the same way. (You know with the killing a sister. I'll get to that later). I will admit that I had a relationship with Marita. This relationship was based on one thing and one thing only; Sex. The sex was great, but that was it this relationship was purely physical and they're fore could be nothing more than that. We hated each other; we hated each other with a passion. It was the only thing that our really had passion which often lead to having sex. I get off task. I will not at any time marry Marita or Scully. I will not leave my wife for Marita or Scully. 

While I'm on the subject of being married and sex, I believe that having a wife and an affair with Marita I think it's fairly clear that I'm straight. Since that it seems to be something people don't understand I'M NOT GAY!!!!!! I am never been gay, therefore, I will never carry on a relationship with Fox Mulder or be in a homosexual orgy with any male agent at the FBI. Why do you people think this? Is it because I shared a kiss with Mulder? That's how I kiss my grandmother; there was no passion in that kiss. It's an "if I kiss you will you leave me the fuck alone" kiss. There is no lust between Mulder and myself, well, maybe blood lust. There is no sexual tension between us, or at least I hope not. He kind of turned me off with the Speedo, What was the fuck was up with that? Does anyone, besides me, think that was a wee bit to early in our relationship for that kind of thing? Any gayness that I had was scared out of with Mulder in a Speedo 

Speaking of things and people I'd never do. There will be no relationship with Skinner, Doggett, Reyes, any of the Longunman, etc. Not even if my life depended on it. Well yea if my life depended on it. 

I would like to set the record straight, get my fucking kill ratio right. I DID NOT KILL MELISSA SCULLY!!!!! How many times do I have to say that? Yes, I was there. I was in the room when the trigger but I didn't pull the trigger. It was Louis Cardinal a.k.a. Hispanic Man. Even Scully proved that with the DNA samples. I'm good but I'm not that good. 

Duane Barry is not one I claim for the books per say. Barry's cause of death was undetermined, its only murder if you get caught. 

I DID NOT kill Mulder's Father. As I have expressed this time and time again. Mulder's is CSM. Yes, I did kill Bill Mulder. However Bill Mulder is not Mulder's father so I didn't lie. 

I would like to clear up rumors of my death. I, Alexander Dimitrivch Krycek, under any circumstances happen to be dead. My death was faked. I would explain that but it is a dull story. Please do not kill me in your fan fics; I ready have people for that. 

I hope that what I've stated has been helpful. Now if you'll excuse me I'm late for drinks with Rod Serling and Bobba Fett. 

Keep on Rocking in the Free World, 

A. Krycek 

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